Freely Talk

Talk to me. Communication is key. I've told you before, if you have something to say, say it to me. I'm not a mind reader. I'm not that good at reading people. If I've done something wrong, tell me. Please? I want to be a better boyfriend. I want to make you happy. I want US to be happy. I think I've said that plenty of times already. Don't keep things to yourself. Tell me, and we'll find a way to make things work.

I like you. I NEED YOU. I LOVE YOU.

Finding Trouble

Dear Tonio,

I wish I wrote more last month. Looking back, it seems that motivation has slowly left me ever since I showed it to you. Perhaps in the beginning I was more engaged in writing because I wanted to make you remember instead of my ideal reason of me being able to remember. But now, all I want is to remember and the words I wanted to see weren't written.

I guess I want reassurance and words in this blog would reassure me of us. The existence of us and that the longevity of our relationship wouldn't be measured. Do you think as our relationship grows older, we've changed? Sometimes I wish you would answer my questions. So I know that you actually read the posts. I know you read them, but I don't know when you read them and whether the feelings I have on these blog posts is still the same when you do get the time to do so. I'm not saying check this everyday, because to be honest I don't check everyday, but knowing that you know this and everything I type is potentially information you'd be getting, I'm consciously writing for you.

I don't even know why I did this, our relationship is not very complicated. I'm not sure if we're the couple who's going with the flow or we're the couple who's really serious about the whole relationship thing. I'm a bit concerned about our future, whatever it may be. I'm not expecting anything, but I don't want to start thinking about things.

Despite all of my buts and drama, I really want something simple. Loving you could be very simple. However, my nature seems to be causing all the complications we have. I mean look at me, I'm writing recklessly without knowing where this is going. I'm demanding and full of drama. I made a blog to pseudo document our relationship, I have this feeling it's bordering creepy.

I could just email you everything. I could make it easier for the both of us. You could reply in an email, but perhaps it's not the conversation I'm after. It's actually the things I couldn't tell you. The way I see what's happening to us while we try and grow as a couple.

For all I know, October could've been the best month of our relationship. I should write more. Maybe then this blog can be useful. Do you really feel my love?

Yours,
Tata

P.S. I love you.

Forgive Tonio

Dear FT,

I'm really sorry for what just happened. Too much drama I guess. I wanted to talk to you tonight because we didn't get to spend much time together but you didn't reply so I thought you were sleeping but then I found out on Facebook that you were awake the whole time and then you replied and then drama drama drama. I'm really sorry. I'm going to try and sleep in a bit, but I don't think I'll be able to sleep well tonight. I'm not really sure if you're not annoyed at me anymore, so I guess I'll find out tomorrow.

It's alright to be annoyed. It's alright to be angry, mad or sad. It's not going to be always super happy all the time. So please, if I did something stupid, be angry at me. Tell me I was being stupid. Tell me to stop it with the drama. Don't suppress those negative feelings. I've done you wrong before, but you just brushed it aside and acted almost like nothing happened. I guess it was "okay" back then because there was no "us" yet. But now, please, if you're angry with me, please be angry with me? Let it out.

Again, I'm sorry. Oo na, makulit na. Thanks for the card, and I also read the poem. I hope things get better when/if see each other tomorrow.

Love,
FT

P.S. I lesbians you. :*

Fleeting Tsss

Dear FT,

I've been so consumed this week with a lot of things that I wasn't able to do my usual bloggities for you. So here's a couple of things I missed. It might be a long or short post, depending on what I remember.

Be prepared.

Last August 16 was a Monday. We weren't together. You were at home, I was in uni. It was a good day. I was able to attend my classes with an awesome amount of attention, but the only downside was that I wasn't able to see you. At that point, it wasn't really an issue so it was ok. I can't remember much. That's why I really should write after it happens. Argh.

I do remember something about that day though. A confession, for you. I again foolishly talked to Ag. We're not really close, we're more acquaintances than friends but I told him we were friends. I generally like people. It's not being kind, it's just how I am, I like people. With him, I really don't feel threatened nor do I feel any sort of annoyance. What I do feel for him is a sense of overwhelm-sation(That's not a word, I know). I feel overwhelmed by what he says. Perhaps he's looking for a friend, perhaps he has different intentions, it doesn't really matter to me because as far as I'm concerned, he's just another guy.

I've already placed him in an always invisible group in my FB chat anyway. Part of me was already going to do that anyway, part of me was still a bit apprehensive. The only reason why I even have an NZ friends list is because I was testing if I can send an FB message to a certain group. I really didn't want to group anyone, this is out of laziness.

In all honesty I hate the feeling of placing someone in an invisible group. It feels like I'm shutting someone out. On the other hand, maybe this is better for him, because he might have this silly notion that he'll be able to take advantage of me by getting closer. The only real thing that's bugging me about this whole thing is the amount of time you put in to make me transfer him into that list. Next time, just tell me straight out what you want me to do. Don't give me this "It's up to you" kind of response, unless you really feel that it should be up to me. Unless you're really neutral about the whole thing. To a certain extent you have a say and to a certain extent I will yield. I promise.

This blog has just turned into a one off rant. I promised you last night I would be honest. I will never mention him again. Just remember, he's just a guy.

Ok, I'm sorry.

Yours,

Tata