Finding Trouble

Dear Tonio,

I wish I wrote more last month. Looking back, it seems that motivation has slowly left me ever since I showed it to you. Perhaps in the beginning I was more engaged in writing because I wanted to make you remember instead of my ideal reason of me being able to remember. But now, all I want is to remember and the words I wanted to see weren't written.

I guess I want reassurance and words in this blog would reassure me of us. The existence of us and that the longevity of our relationship wouldn't be measured. Do you think as our relationship grows older, we've changed? Sometimes I wish you would answer my questions. So I know that you actually read the posts. I know you read them, but I don't know when you read them and whether the feelings I have on these blog posts is still the same when you do get the time to do so. I'm not saying check this everyday, because to be honest I don't check everyday, but knowing that you know this and everything I type is potentially information you'd be getting, I'm consciously writing for you.

I don't even know why I did this, our relationship is not very complicated. I'm not sure if we're the couple who's going with the flow or we're the couple who's really serious about the whole relationship thing. I'm a bit concerned about our future, whatever it may be. I'm not expecting anything, but I don't want to start thinking about things.

Despite all of my buts and drama, I really want something simple. Loving you could be very simple. However, my nature seems to be causing all the complications we have. I mean look at me, I'm writing recklessly without knowing where this is going. I'm demanding and full of drama. I made a blog to pseudo document our relationship, I have this feeling it's bordering creepy.

I could just email you everything. I could make it easier for the both of us. You could reply in an email, but perhaps it's not the conversation I'm after. It's actually the things I couldn't tell you. The way I see what's happening to us while we try and grow as a couple.

For all I know, October could've been the best month of our relationship. I should write more. Maybe then this blog can be useful. Do you really feel my love?

Yours,
Tata

P.S. I love you.